Meet the heroes you never saw coming

Welcome, adventurers, to the gallery of 'Very Nearly Heroes'! Prepare to be introduced to a motley crew who, frankly, have no business being this heroic. They're unique, a little bit mad, and utterly captivating. Get ready to dive into their quirks, triumphs, and hilarious missteps!

The DM

The DM is the ultimate power, the unseen hand holding together the world our heroes call home. Without them, the realm would collapse into chaos.

They may not walk the roads like our heroes, nor wield sword or spell, yet their presence is no less vital. Every townsperson, every mysterious stranger, every challenge the heroes face — all flow from the DM’s imagination and guidance.

In a world of heroes, the DM is both architect and guardian, shaping the story and giving life to all who dwell within it.

Chip

Chip demanded first mention. Not asked — demanded.
Heroes of his stature required proper introduction.

He was, by his own account, a living legend. Known in every corner of the realm. When he and his badger companion, Fish, rode into town, crowds would cheer, songs would rise, and doors would open in welcome.

Or so he liked to believe.

Most days, the only one singing his name was Chip himself.

Vitalis Bane

Vitalis never quite understood how she ended up being mentioned second.
Not that it mattered.

Even if she had known, she wouldn’t have fought for first. The effort alone would have been too much.

Death had kept her company far too long. It clung to her like damp earth, like grave-soil beneath the nails. Where other bards carried laughter and bright songs, her voice held only hollow echoes.

So she no longer sang of joy.
She simply lingered —
rotting slowly through her borrowed days,
a melody half-remembered and long since forgotten.

Zonk

Zonk sort of… stumbled into being mentioned third.
No one was entirely sure how. Least of all Zonk.

He didn’t know what third meant, exactly, but it sounded important enough, and that was good enough for him.

As long as his cats were nearby, weaving through his boots and curling around his shoulders, he was content.

A stealthy rogue by trade, light on his feet and lighter in thought, he moved through the world like a shadow.
And at night, it wasn’t silence that lulled him to sleep—
but the gentle chorus of purring,
his own little lullaby of cats.

Penny Briarfoot

Penny and her companion, Sara, skipped their way into fourth surrounded by laughter and light. Wherever Penny veers off course, Sara is there to guide her back, unseen but always present.

No one has ever laid eyes on Sara, and most dismiss her as a figment of Penny’s imagination—or the sign of some peculiar, uncanny power. But Penny insists she’s real. Always just behind her shoulder, singing a freakish tune and watching, keeping tabs on everyone… always.

Mark IX

Mark IX stumbled his way into fifth place, mostly by talking—though some say his voice could have landed him a spot narrating a nature documentary.

He is endlessly passionate about plants, yet utterly clueless when it comes to emotions. He always manages to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but somehow it comes out sounding surprisingly informative.

A master of facts over feelings, Mark IX can turn even the most awkward moment into an accidental lesson, whether anyone asked for it or not.

Fannie Farmer

Fannie mumbled her way into sixth place, her voice a jumble of excitement as she babbled about her latest breakthrough—though few could tell what it actually was.

Her long life has afforded her plenty of time to experiment, often in ways that most would call… unethical. She has created potions that fizzle into nothing, contraptions that explode spectacularly, and formulas that defy logic altogether. Yet even in failure, there is a strange genius to her methods, a sense that she might accidentally stumble upon something remarkable.

Fannie thrives in the chaos of discovery, forever chasing the next idea, the next experiment, the next impossible result. The world may judge her work useless, but she marches onward, mumbling and tinkering, undeterred, as though failure is just another ingredient in her endless pursuit of knowledge.

Lucien Velkyn

Lucien prayed his way into seventh and last place, a devoted follower of his sun god above all else.

Ironically, he is practically allergic to sunlight, his pale skin betraying the countless hours he spends avoiding it. Yet this has done nothing to dampen his zeal. Every prayer, every ritual, every careful step is meant to prove his faith to the world.

Determined and unyielding, Lucien’s devotion is impossible to ignore—though often accompanied by a wince, a sunburn, or a hasty retreat to the nearest shadow. Faith drives him forward, even when the sun itself seems to conspire against him.

Grace Ljósálfar

Then there was Grace.

No one knows how she ended up here. She wasn’t meant to be on the list, and she is not part of the prophecy. Yet somehow, she exists among them, a quiet anomaly in a world of foretold heroes.

Perhaps, in time, their paths will cross. Perhaps the heroes will find her during their travels, and the reason for her presence will reveal itself… or perhaps it will remain a mystery, lingering just beyond reach.

"You won't find another cast of characters quite like these. They're a laugh a minute and genuinely unexpected!"

An anonymous, yet very enthusiastic, fan